On November 1, 2012 Ish and I
found out we were expecting another child. Because we had lost our last child,
Sam, to a miscarriage, our great excitement for this pregnancy was clouded by
great trepidation.
On December 28th at 12 weeks 3 days
pregnant, I had my 2nd prenatal appointment. I was a bundle of
nerves and excitement and the appointment was going swimmingly until the end
when it came time to listen to the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler. Sarah Grace, the midwife I was seeing that
morning, got out the Doppler and started to feel around for the heartbeat and
wasn’t finding anything. She then went
to get a higher frequency Doppler and still no luck. At this point I was getting nervous, but she
sent me to empty my bladder thinking this might make the baby easier to find. When she still wasn’t finding a heartbeat she
called in Kathleen, another on of the Birth Center midwives, to see if she
could find it. Both were reassuring that
it might not be anything to worry about, but I was becoming a wreck. At this point Sarah Grace called Ish back to
explain what was going on and that I needed to go over to the hospital for an
ultrasound.
As we walked to the hospital I was
nervous but holding out hope that things would be just fine. After the rigmarole of needing to register
with the hospital and trying to keep the kids calm in the waiting room, it was
my turn. The ultrasound tech very
quickly introduced herself and then let me know that because of hospital policy
she would not be able to give me any of the information gleaned from the scan. I then had the shortest ultrasound of my
life. It couldn’t have lasted more than
2 minutes. In my heart I knew that this
wasn’t good news, but I still prayed that it’d all be okay. After waiting for the doctor to read the
ultrasound, I was told that I should go back to The Birth Center to get the
results. My heart sank a little further
but still I held out hope.
Upon arriving back at The Birth
Center, Sarah Grace had me go back to the exam room while Ish stayed with the
kids. Looking back, I wish she had
called both of us back because it was then that she let me know that our dear
sweet baby had died in utero. The pain
and horror of hearing that I had lost yet another baby was almost too much to
bear. I began to cry. To wail. To
keen. After a few moments I asked Sarah
Grace to go get Ish. After she broke the
news to him, Ish and I just held each other and cried. Sarah Grace explained to us what our next
steps were. She told me I had the option
of waiting to miscarry naturally at home (within medically safe time limits) or
I could consult with an OB and have a D&C performed. She made it very clear
that no immediate decision was necessary and that we should wait until the
initial shock had worn off. Once we had that basic information, Ish and I were
given time alone to cry and then pull ourselves together a bit before heading
home.
The next few days were a blur as
Ish and I started to adjust to the fact that the baby I was carrying inside me
had died. Although my gut reaction was
to have a D&C to get it all over with as quickly as possible, a few days of
contemplation made it clear that it would be best for me to wait and miscarry
naturally at home. As I waited to
actually miscarry, Ish and I talked and grieved with both family and
friends. I spent time reading about
miscarriage, talking with the midwives and my doula in an attempt to prepare
for what was coming. We had a good
friend offer to research what our options were as Catholics for burying and
commemorating our baby. The information
he provided us with combined with information provided in the book After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman's
Companion to Healing and Hope by Karen Edmisten affirmed our decision for me to miscarry at home.
When I woke up on January 7th, 2013, I had started to bleed
and have what felt like early labor contractions. I knew that this would be the beginning of my
miscarriage. Ish called his mother and
we made plans with her to pick up the kids.
After we had our plans set, Ish left for work. I would call him if and when things got more
intense. Soon after Ish left for work, his mother arrived to take the kids and
she surprised me by bringing me soup and other food to keep me going through
out the day.
As the day progressed, my contractions got closer together, but things
weren’t particularly intense. On the way
home from work, Ish picked the kids up from his mother’s home. Ish and I kept
our evening routine as normal as possible.
Dinner, play, and bedtime seemed so mundane yet comforting as we waited
for things to really get going. After
the kids went to bed, we decided that I should try to head to bed and get as
much sleep as I could. It turns out as much sleep as I could meant no sleep
at all. I tossed and turned for about 30 minutes. All the while, my contractions got longer,
stronger, and closer together. At about
9:45PM, Ish joined me as I began to fully enter into active labor. He coached me, kept me hydrated, and provided
me with massage and counter-pressure.
Around 10:55PM something happened that is very rare in 1st
trimester miscarriages—my water broke. I
sent Ish for towels and after we had me dried off a bit we made our way
upstairs to the bathroom. As soon as I sat on the toilet, our baby began to
crown. Ish grabbed the kerchief we had set aside for this moment. With a barely noticeable push, our precious
baby was in our hands.
What took place in this moment is something I can truly call the most
beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. At
11PM on January 7th 2013, Oliver Innocent came into the world
without breath or heartbeat. Our baby
boy had arrived perfectly intact with barely a drop of blood on him. We could count his fingers and toes. We could tell that, had he lived, he would
have had the nose that is characteristic of Ish’s family. I am so thankful for the time in which we
were able to see, love, and hold him.
The days that have followed have been difficult, but the outpouring of
love we have received from friends and family has been nothing short of
amazing.
He said,
“Naked
I came forth from my mother’s womb,
and naked shall I go back
there.
The LORD gave and the LORD has
taken away;
blessed be the name of the
LORD!”
Job 1:21
